general thoughts
So this is more serious post as I muse about stuff going to happen. Specifically my final year as an undergrad which is an insane thing to think about on its own. I'm slightly older than I thought I would be when getting to this point. Had a bit of struggles going along mostly because I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was to head to college. Plus the slight increase in freedom briefly went to my head following my first semester. So I had to fight my way back which seems to be a thing with me dealing with college period. It's either I'm strong throughout out or things start shaky and claw my way back up out of a crappy deficit of a grade. Either extreme I'm usually stressed as hell the entire time, making classes the thing I kind of dread despite enjoying the topics. With my senior year coming full steam ahead this is going to be my last year of this constant. Once I get handed my diploma comes the infamous question of: What's next?
My family (who I try to avoid discussing in this setting let alone period) seem to want me to move straight on ahead to grad school. I'm not sure I want to do that personally. I feel like I've been run ragged repeatedly by constant schooling year in and year out. I know some say once you leave it's difficult to come back but I'm emotionally being pile drived into the ground. Year in and year out of stress and unplanned issues from the school system itself I'm being forced to deal with. Considering the field I want to go in grad school is going to be stress x 100 at best. In fact that's from the drop of getting in due to a required exam.It's also another reason I don't want to go into grad school right away. It would mean studying for that while pulling my hair on the classes I need to graduate. I really don't need that piled on to that s well.
Other than college as a whole I want to do things personally like the Etsy shop I've made (another thing not mentioned here but for different reasons). Mostly I don't like self promoting at least on a level it feels like I'm being grandiose or narcissistic about it. Along with possible streaming I've been thinking about wanting to do in tangent with that (maybe). I want the time to explore these avenues maybe even have that coexist with grad school. Although I believe that's going to be a case of choose one or the other which I'm going to dread immensely. Since I don't want to give up anything I love to do. So the ability to have them coexist would be lovely.
Finally, just emotionally I feel I want a change in my life. I feel like I'm in a rut of the same things continuously happening over and over. I may be appearance wise going in to new things in my life but I feel trapped in same place unable to move. Completely and utterly just trapped with no where to go. I want the freedom to make my own choices and know I don't have to fear unnecessary repercussions for those choices. Becoming free from this is going to be arduous task I know for the fact but a necessary thing for my own well being in the long run. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but considering how bad things have gotten at times I can't let things continue the way they are. I never want to feel the depths of despair (and that's an understatement) I felt when things were at it's worst. The slithers of that which have popped up from that moment are few and far in between thankfully. However I don't trust that certain factors won't bring that back to the forefront eventually. Like a false sense of security is blanketing my senses to potential trouble ahead yet I can still feel it's slow but inevitable approach. Reasons like that are why the need is imperative that things change. I'm just not 100% sure how I'm going to get there....
That ends the brief look into my internal ramblings which I really needed to get off my chest. Hopefully lighter things will be in the next blog entry. See you soon. ~
My family (who I try to avoid discussing in this setting let alone period) seem to want me to move straight on ahead to grad school. I'm not sure I want to do that personally. I feel like I've been run ragged repeatedly by constant schooling year in and year out. I know some say once you leave it's difficult to come back but I'm emotionally being pile drived into the ground. Year in and year out of stress and unplanned issues from the school system itself I'm being forced to deal with. Considering the field I want to go in grad school is going to be stress x 100 at best. In fact that's from the drop of getting in due to a required exam.It's also another reason I don't want to go into grad school right away. It would mean studying for that while pulling my hair on the classes I need to graduate. I really don't need that piled on to that s well.
Other than college as a whole I want to do things personally like the Etsy shop I've made (another thing not mentioned here but for different reasons). Mostly I don't like self promoting at least on a level it feels like I'm being grandiose or narcissistic about it. Along with possible streaming I've been thinking about wanting to do in tangent with that (maybe). I want the time to explore these avenues maybe even have that coexist with grad school. Although I believe that's going to be a case of choose one or the other which I'm going to dread immensely. Since I don't want to give up anything I love to do. So the ability to have them coexist would be lovely.
Finally, just emotionally I feel I want a change in my life. I feel like I'm in a rut of the same things continuously happening over and over. I may be appearance wise going in to new things in my life but I feel trapped in same place unable to move. Completely and utterly just trapped with no where to go. I want the freedom to make my own choices and know I don't have to fear unnecessary repercussions for those choices. Becoming free from this is going to be arduous task I know for the fact but a necessary thing for my own well being in the long run. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but considering how bad things have gotten at times I can't let things continue the way they are. I never want to feel the depths of despair (and that's an understatement) I felt when things were at it's worst. The slithers of that which have popped up from that moment are few and far in between thankfully. However I don't trust that certain factors won't bring that back to the forefront eventually. Like a false sense of security is blanketing my senses to potential trouble ahead yet I can still feel it's slow but inevitable approach. Reasons like that are why the need is imperative that things change. I'm just not 100% sure how I'm going to get there....
That ends the brief look into my internal ramblings which I really needed to get off my chest. Hopefully lighter things will be in the next blog entry. See you soon. ~
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