Ponderings
Submission (and any synonym of it) is a difficult thing to define for any individual. I personally am not even close to grasping the meaning of it. Of course I'm quite enjoying discovering what my personal definition will be eventually. What I do know for certain is that its the most wonderful yet vulnerable place to be. It feels like nothing else in comparison in such a good way. Its difficult to equate into words what it means to voluntarily open myself to mentally to giving up control complete to someone.
Who knew that feeling so vulnerable would be even remotely a good thing? I certainly didn't since I practically go out of my way to avoid being in such a position on a daily basis. My fierce avoidance of talking in front of a class whenever possible because I'm wondering what they're thinking about when I'm speaking (if it's my words or me they're criticizing). Not saying the complete story when things become horrible in fear of judgement and possible unnecessary rebuke or retribution. So I avoid details that make the situation sound worse than it already is. I avoid complaining and pretend everything is fine (quite a convincing game of pretend since I've had an extensive amount of practice). I have private moments of cracks in the facade randomly leading to crying along with crushing sadness which I suppress all too frequently. Its probably what makes me love happy endings to shows and movies, since I hope there is a possible happy ending for me and those I care about.
Those not so savory moments are temporarily forgotten when I get to submit. Those same moments make me desire if not need to sumbit. I try to avert use it as crutch to my problems. However its an awesome quite distracting vacation away from it. Despite my not so perfect life I'm nowhere close to being a doormat to anyone ever, regardless of the fact that I'm submissive. The take no nonsense from anyone attitude along with witty sarcasm is the reason why I'm a bratty submissive. That is just fine with me of course I wouldn't have it any other way.
Well that's a slightly in depth glimpse of me as a person. :)
Who knew that feeling so vulnerable would be even remotely a good thing? I certainly didn't since I practically go out of my way to avoid being in such a position on a daily basis. My fierce avoidance of talking in front of a class whenever possible because I'm wondering what they're thinking about when I'm speaking (if it's my words or me they're criticizing). Not saying the complete story when things become horrible in fear of judgement and possible unnecessary rebuke or retribution. So I avoid details that make the situation sound worse than it already is. I avoid complaining and pretend everything is fine (quite a convincing game of pretend since I've had an extensive amount of practice). I have private moments of cracks in the facade randomly leading to crying along with crushing sadness which I suppress all too frequently. Its probably what makes me love happy endings to shows and movies, since I hope there is a possible happy ending for me and those I care about.
Those not so savory moments are temporarily forgotten when I get to submit. Those same moments make me desire if not need to sumbit. I try to avert use it as crutch to my problems. However its an awesome quite distracting vacation away from it. Despite my not so perfect life I'm nowhere close to being a doormat to anyone ever, regardless of the fact that I'm submissive. The take no nonsense from anyone attitude along with witty sarcasm is the reason why I'm a bratty submissive. That is just fine with me of course I wouldn't have it any other way.
Well that's a slightly in depth glimpse of me as a person. :)
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